What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 00:02
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
I have no regrets .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What did i know ?
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot live in the past .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I will be 64.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Who then, do I blame.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
She found it foreign!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is soul school!.
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im still living with it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!